I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
