you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
