I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Little spoons don't ask big questions
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
