Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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