A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
