I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
