Your dad touched me again.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
How does one acquire holy water?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
