Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
