I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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