On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Randomize
