sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Sorry my hands just texted you
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
