apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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