I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
