I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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