I love black thongs
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
