I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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