My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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