well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
