I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
