sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
