Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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