Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
