the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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