Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
