I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
