I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
