hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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