So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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