got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
