we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I hate all girls vehemently.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
