you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Redeem this text for a blowjob
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
