When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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