I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
honey bunches of taint.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
