The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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