Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
