he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I just threw up on my dentist
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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