You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
