I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
