There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
