Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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