look no pants
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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