when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
