More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
