I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
