This is not my ceiling
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
