my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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