Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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