Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
