Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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