you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
